Knowledge
by Chaotic Serenity
Summary: Lantis contemplates Primera and comes to a sad resolution. Sister-fic to "Confession."


_Author's Notes:_ Ever wondered about Lantis' feelings towards Primera? Sister fic to Primera's _Confession._

**Warnings:** None.

**Spoilers:** End of the first part of the series.

Obligatory Disclaimer: I own no part of Fushigi Yuugi or any of its characters, especially Lantis, Hikaru, and Primera

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Knowledge

  
In the years I have been alive, I have learned more than most do in a lifetime. I have to come to know of the stars and the sun, the moon and night, the heart and mind, the body and the soul. I know of life; I know of death.   
I know of love.   
There are two truths when it comes to love. Two universal honesties that we cannot escape nor deny.   
The first is that we always take it for granted until it's gone. I learned that terrible lesson when my brother died in a hail of fire and brimstone, his dying love the only companion at his side.   
The nightmares that I relive the torment and agony through which my brother suffered are countless. At times, the guilt of my desertion stains my heads a deep a shade of crimson as the girl who murdered him.   
Hikaru...Does my brother hate me for loving her? Is it possible to love mortal enemies as deeply as the other? Or is it a never ending cycle? Love sprung from hate? Bitterness from intimacy spurned?   
Which brings me to my second truth. One can never love enough. You just can't. Not matter how deeply you allow others to burrow themself into your heart, no matter how wide the door to your soul my open, there is someone, somewhere, who is suffering because of your cruelty. Whether intentional or not, every day another soul is shattered because of words said and unsaid.   
I know she loves me. How could I not when every movement she makes fairly screams it? Primera never was a subtle fairy.   
I wonder how she does it, fluttering around my shoulders as she does, heart beating rapidly so near the deep rhythm of my own. I wonder how she stands there watching me faux poetry and romance upon Hikaru sitting idly by, lonely and unloved. I know I'm one of the very few friends she has, so to whom does she talk to when the sorrow overwhelms her? Who holds out there arms to embrace her small body when the tears fall down her tender cheeks, the proud facade she wears crumbling to pieces?   
Yet I have seen her crying only once, and she has no knowledge of such an intrusion of her privacy. It was late, the dark cloak of night having pounced upon the whole of Cephiro and covered it with its black gise. I myself was floating on the warm wings of rest when the sounds of weeping awoke me from my slumber.   
The sight that greeted my eyes would be one that forever damned me.   
Tiny wings folded against her back, eyes shut tightly as lamentation poured from both, Primera lay sprawled across my chest, fragile body trembling with the stress of her emotions. Her ear was pressed against the warmth of my bosom, fingers tracing the lines of muscle and skin as she filled her soul with the solid beat of my heart.   
I gave no signal of my awakening, nor were any words required. The sorrowful melody of her sobs told the story of her love all too well.   
A mourning heart never lies, after all.   
I know that lesson too well.   
We are two lost souls, she and I. Love we give, but reciprocation we fail to receive. It's a horrible, twisted cycle we live in. Hikaru is too young, too free to wear the restraints of monogamy and unity. Though I believe with all my heart that she is the one I am destined for, she is not ready to give her heart quite yet. No, not anytime soon. Her spirit is too young, too untrammeled. It is the universe, not any mortal man, who owns her soul.   
I ponder, occasionally, what Primera would be if things were different. If she were a human, or I a fairy. Would I love her? Could we live together in happiness and bliss without the interferences of betraying hearts?   
In every contemplation I come to only one conclusion: I cannot ever know, nor can I let possibility matter. "If only" is simply a phrase uttered by discontented men. It is not an incantation that can nothing other than increasing the doubts that plague my heart.   
So this is the knowledge I bear the world, as deep and sincere as the wordless confession she made while weeping beneath a veil of stars: I do not love her. I cannot love her. Not as she desire me to. There are no words that can change my heart, no wish to soothe all wounds.   
Forgive me, Primera, for what i have done. Forgive me for destroying you, for turning a blind eye as you slowly faded away.   
When I first met you, you were so happy and full of life. You were a joy to be around, a beacon of light from which we could all draw strength. Now I only dream of seeing you smile again.   
Even if I were to change, or if my pity drove me to offer a piece of my heart, I know she would reject it. Because Primera's no fool. Because she would know it wouldn't truly belong to her, that it would already be tarnished because I had already given it to Hikaru.   
She wants all of me, heart and soul. I would be willing to give her the world, but that's the one thing I can't grant her.   
Let her scream; let her rant. It's all she has left. Both of us know that.   
There is one thing, however, that Primera will never know: my awareness. Primera will never know that I know she loves me. She will never know of the possiblities I've entertained in a realm where men only dream about. Let her believe that she has attained some form of victory through my ignorane, that it was not my lavendar eyes that pierced her soul as she lamented beneath the unforgiving heavens, her soul shattering to pieces.   
I would not dare to cause her such anguish otherwise.   
Because if we both pretend as if this age of heartbreak never existed, than maybe she'll be able to pick up the shards again. The bitterness she harbors will become the glue that will hold her together, her tears will be the rains that purge her soul of sorrow, the promise to forget violet eyes a lonesome prayer she'll recite upon every awakening to reconstruct her faith. She will stand strong again.   
But never will she stand complete. Part of her is forever entrusted with me. A remnant of her heart, her soul...Can she ever learn to love again?   
I close my hands protectively around the intangible shard of her being that I have left. My fingers tingle from the sensation, my ears ringing from the sound of her angry voice and heart beating rapidly in my chest.   
She **will** heal someday, but for now she's broken, and it's entirely the fault of one reluctant heart that fatefully belongs to me.   
I think that's the most painful knowledge of all.   


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**Final Notes From the Author:**   
  
If you desire to beat Chao-chan for writing such a depressing fic, please do so after she finishes her notes. ^_^   
Lantis is a character that has always bothered me for some reason, though I could never pinpoint exactly why, so don't ask. :-p Maybe it's the way he deals with situations or the way he treats people. I can't be sure, but he's never been a very positive character.   
Don't get me wrong, though. Like any man, he has his noble and good points too. Granted I may not see them as clearly as others, they are there, so this fic had a daul nature: to portray Lantis both positively and negatively.   
I feel, and quite strongly, and Lantis was very aware of Primera's love. I mean, how could he not? She just interrupts him every three seconds he's with Hikaru. It's also obvious that he does not return her feelings. It's one of those cruel impossiblities that hinder us in life, and I'm sure he reflected upon her feelings more than once. After all, wouldn't you occasionally consider the fact that one of your friends was in love with you? He'd have too. Otherwise he would be a complete, well, jerk.   
I'd like to think their story has a happy ending, though. It's not Lantis' fault he doesn't love Primera. One cannot force his or her self to feel a certain way. And he does love her, in his own way. The friendship way. And I will say that while such love may not quite as fulfilling to the opposite party, it's at least **something** for that person to thrive on. Better to be rejected but loved and able to heal than rejected entirely. And Primera will heal, I promise you that. Lantis would never allow for a good friend to suffer. ^_^   
::beating of author may commence you now:: 


End file.
